mrcrozier

Another year is coming to a close, and it’s another year that, as a whole, I didn’t really enjoy. There were some difficult goodbyes, and some ups and a lot of downs along the way. But as it has been said, all endings are beginnings, and there is much to look forward to in the New Year.

One of my biggest goodbyes this year was my friend - my right arm, and my so-labeled work wife - who has moved on to greener pastures to become a welder. She has almost completed the first part of her schooling and was able to get a job in the field. This is so much better for her and as much as I miss her I could not be more proud of her and I would never wish her back.

Likewise, I would not wish @Barosus back either, although I so very much miss him. I know he is in a far better place now, in perfect health and happiness, but there are still times I cannot believe he is gone. He uploaded and interacted so regularly his absence has been a chasm. DA feels so…quiet somehow without him. I know he remarked at times he was too wordy with his comments and replies, but they were never a bother, and they are an absolute treasure now.

This may sound a little strange to some, but losing Ed was also a really big slap in the face for me. It made me look at my life a little differently and also forced me to address and reckon with an elephant in the room – my extreme absence on DA, and creating work in general in 2023.

I am painfully aware of the fact my last Deviation upload was in the spring. I regret that. I wish I had been more active this past year, and I am sorry that I wasn’t able to share more work with Ed before he passed. Maybe that sounds selfish, but I know he enjoyed what I wrote, and very much likewise. Though as much as I wish I could change that, I also know I couldn’t have really done anything much differently. Mentally and physically, I just haven’t been able to either create or prepare anything for posting, either because of injury, illness, and work causing stress, fatigue, and lack of focus, and also a just a general malaise of not being inspired to create much of anything or finish projects.

I still have that feeling, that writers block or burnout, whatever it may be. But Ed’s passing made me realize that my time is also limited, and motivated me to finish what I had started working on in 2023. Over the last month and a half, I have done just that.

In November of next year, season 2 of Arcane is slated to release. In celebration of that, starting in January and on through summer, I will be uploading all of the video projects I created this year that feature the show to my Youtube channel and I will be posting status updates here for them also. There will be one or two videos per month, depending on if I decide to make any more. I also have a couple very Arcane-centric poems that I would like to share here over the next few months as well.

I had started working on these in early 2023 just as fun "what if" and funny projects for my own enjoyment and finished a few of them, but once work started I no longer had the motivation or time to dedicate to them. Even after getting the motivation, it was still a lot of work, especially since I decided to completely remake/re-master the videos I had made in the spring because I had gotten better footage to work with.

I don’t like to announce projects and make these kinds of commitments, but I am very dedicated to doing this. I feel that after season 2 releases things will be a lot different and that maybe not all these projects will be as relevant or important. I’ve also been very pleased with how these videos have turned out and have gotten a lot of personal enjoyment out of them and it would be such a shame not to share them with others while the time is right, especially since I know people who would like to see what I have been working on.

That’s maybe not quite the news everyone on DA wanted to hear, but this is something I’m very excited about. And right now I need something like this to look forward to to keep me going. I wish everyone the best in 2024.

Going to do this a little bit differently this time and put the books from favorite to least favorite, and not doing a number score. I think it’s becoming pretty arbitrary at this point, and I’ve rarely read a book all the way through that I didn’t like - just because a book may be low or last on the doesn't mean I didn't like it. If there is something special I want to say about a book I will do so at the end.

Almost finished a couple others but wasn’t able to make it, unfortunately. I’m finding it’s getting harder to dedicate myself to reading when I really just want to go to bed and not stay up and read stuff. But I still do very much enjoy it…when I don’t fall asleep mid paragraph.

And yet the list is in fact just a little longer than last year. Yay!

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Horse, Follow Closely: Native American Horsemanship – GaWaNi Pony Boy

The Old Man and the Sea – Ernest Hemingway

In the Garden of Beasts: Love, Terror, and an American Family in Hitler’s Berlin – Erik Larson

Assassin’s Creed: The Complete Visual History – Matthew Miller

The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and Other Stories – Robert Louis Stevenson

Destiny Grimoire Anthology: Fallen Kingdoms – Various Authors

The Skyrim Library: The Histories – Various Authors

Encyclopedia of Native American Tribes – Carl Waldman

Transformers: The Change In Your Nature (graphic novel) - Brian Ruckley and Tyler Bleszinski

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Read anything good this year? Would love to hear about it!

Our Wrapped Spotify playlists have arrived, and this year Spotify went all out with them, creating an extremely fun and insightful overview slideshow to go along with the playlist. Since we can share them with others, and the slideshow far outdoes anything I could make, I'd like to share it here. My most played songs (and artists) according to Spotify: https://www.spotify.com/us/wrapped/

My personal favorite songs that defined my year are quite different than what Spotify reflects, and were very difficult to choose. The songs that defined my 2023 are:

1. Tale of the Shadow - Sail North

2. Running Up That Hill - Kim Petras

3. Guns For Hire - Sam Kim ft. Alooma Steele

4. Any More - CAIN

5. Strong For Somebody Else - Citizen Soldier

Honorable Mention: Mississippi Squirrel Revival - Home Free

The Steam Autumn sale begins, and that means it's time to nominate for the Steam Game Awards!

Steam has kindly reminded me that I haven't played any eligible games this year (save the Labor of Love Award) which is - per usual - absolutely true. I'm a little ashamed to say it's because I was playing the...exact same games I was playing last year (really, really don't judge me on that please, I'm a busy person), but I'm happy to say I did finish two awesome games, Adios and INSIDE, which I both highly recommend.

The Game of the Year Award:

Baldur's Gate 3

This is...kind of the elephant in the room. I honestly expect BG3 to pretty much sweep awards season, which is a little bit of a shame because there were some really cool indie games that came out this year that deserve a lot of love. But everything I've seen about BG3 looks amazing, which has surprised me because this is not typically a genre of video game I enjoy. But the little I've played of Divinity has nearly convinced me to give BG3 a try myself one day. The depth that this game contains is astounding, and I really do feel that it deserves every Game of the Year Award it wins.

VR Game of the Year Award:

Humanity

Not really a category I'm overly invested in, but Humanity is the only game in the category that I actually really want to play. What's not to love about being a dog using crowds to solve puzzles? I was unaware that Humanity had an optional VR mode, but this is also a strong contender for the Innovative Gameplay Award.

Labor of Love Award:

American Truck Simulator

Yep, same as last year. Oklahoma was released this summer, and Kansas is being released at the end of the month. We're getting close to geographically halfway across the contiguous United States, and it's been an amazing journey. And that's not to mention all of the other add-ons, reworks, and Youtube content SCS has put out over the last year.

Best On Steam Deck Award:

Dredge

I do not own a Steam Deck and do not really have a need or a want to any time soon. But Dredge is the game that I imagine I would be wanting to take with me and play all the time if I did. Of all the games this year that released, this is the one I actually want to play the most - a simple fishing game disguised as much more.

Better With Friends Award:

Lethal Company

As mentioned previously, I don't really have friends to play with, but every clip I have seen of Lethal Company's co-op shenanigans is laugh-out-loud hilarious. I may never play it, but other people are, and seeing what they are sharing is a fine substitute.

Outstanding Visual Style:

Hi-Fi Rush

Hi-Fi Rush released much earlier in the year and seems to be getting a bit overlooked in the awards as a result. This is a game I'm kind of on the fence about playing because it's not really my type, but I can't think of a more vibrant or distinct game more deserving of this award.

Most Innovative Gameplay Award:

Cocoon

So many games can be nominated for this award this year, it's hard to choose. But I've never seen gameplay quite like Cocoon. You play as bug (of all things) that uses a world-leaping mechanic to solve puzzles. You really need to watch gameplay to see it. It's also developed by the lead gameplay designer of both LIMBO and INSIDE. Looking forward to playing this one.

Best Game You Suck At:

Lies of P

I've had my eye on this game for a long time, and I'm thrilled that it has turned out well. I'm excited to play it, but I've never really gotten into rouge-likes, so this one is going to be a (hopefully fun) challenge.

Best Soundtrack Award:

Chants of Sennaar

Hi-Fi Rush is a strong contender for this award, and I would have likely nominated Tchia, but that game sadly isn't yet available on Steam. The other game that impresses me the most in this category is Chants of Sennaar. I enjoy what I have heard of the soundtrack, and sound is also important for listening to (and reading) the language you are meant to learn to solve puzzles. Chants of Sennaar is also a strong contender for the Innovative Gameplay Award.

Outstanding Story-Rich Game Award:

SEASON: A Letter to the Future

There are a number of games that could be nominated here, but this one resonated with me the most. It's about collecting memories, choosing what to save, before everything is lost. SEASON is another game that released much earlier in the year and is likely going to be overlooked. Venba is also a worthy nominee for this category.

Sit Back and Relax Award

Dave the Diver

Fishing by day and managing a restaurant by night sounds like a perfect fit for the category. Adorable and totally chill. No, this is not like Dredge.

What games are you rooting for?

For Father’s Day last year, I wrote about Silco’s relationship with Jinx - specifically, analyzing him as a parent and as a father. For Valentine’s Day this year, I wanted talk more in depth about their relationship, how it works, and my interpretation of Silco's love for Jinx.

To avoid unnecessary conflict and wasting your time, I highly recommend you peruse that previous essay of mine before diving into this. If you don’t like what you read there, you are probably not going to like what you will read here.

And no, this is NOT a Jilco thing. That’s an assumption I know someone is going make because I decided to post this on Valentine’s Day. Valentine's Day to me is about the idea of love and love in all its forms – not just romantic love, but also platonic and familial love too. Because of that, I felt this was appropriate for today, even though it may imply…something else to some. That is not my intention.

This is a little bit about Silco, a lot about Jinx, but mostly about love, and how it manifests in ways we may not always understand.

My analysis and opinion is just one of many thousands. Everyone is right and no one is. At least maybe until season 2 comes out.

This was a beast to write. I hope it reads well and is enjoyable. If something is glaringly bad or hard to understand, please let me know.

Thoughts and comments are welcome, but keep it civil towards me and others.

SPOILERS BELOW

The word “perfect” carries a certain definition and implication: Flawless, without fault or blemish. In practice, an unrealistic and unattainable ideal.

Jinx is far from a perfect human being. She kills people (although they are not entirely “innocent”) and is in other ways a lawbreaker. Her chaos often gets out of hand, sometimes intentionally. She makes impulsive and poor decisions based on twisted assumptions. And her psychosis torments her about her past mistakes and plagues her with self-doubt.

The first point is moot to Silco, since Jinx’s actions are for their cause and the ends justify the means to him. But he is very much aware of the others. His business (and his employees) take the brunt of her chaos and mistakes, and he both witnesses and is on the receiving end of violence from some of her psychosis.

And yet Silco multiple times calls her “perfect.”

This, of course, feels unnatural and raises a lot of questions. Why on earth would he say this to her? Is he delusional? Does he actually believe she has done no wrong? Is this some act of manipulation or objectification to shape her into what he wants her to be? Or is this just some poorly worded reassurance and praise to encourage her?

The answer lies largely with Jinx.

Jinx’s whole character arc, her motivations and the reasons that she behaves the way she does, is about acceptance and proving herself. This goes all the way back to when she was a child – wanting to be "ready” to tag along on jobs with her older siblings, wanting to be able to fight like them, and to otherwise help and be useful. This behavior then continues when she is adopted by Silco and is the crux of her dependency towards him: she wants to please him and for him to be proud of her in return.

At this time we do not know exactly how Silco raised Jinx or how their relationship formed into what we get to see. We are not shown anything between the scene where he adopts her to the moment her actions become relevant to the rest of the characters in the story (a span of approximately seven years). The only major things that we know for certain are that Jinx changed her name and is not quite the same person she was before.

It’s reflex to assume that because Silco uses and coerces the people around him that he is behaving the same way towards Jinx. Her vulnerability in wanted to please him is a huge red flag and a simple thing for someone like Silco to manipulate and exploit. It can easily appear that Jinx has changed her identity for Silco and that he wants to use her as a weapon or pawn for his gains. Silco himself says “I freed her.” Him telling her she is “perfect” also seems to solidify the idea that he is idealizing her in some way.

But Silco’s behavior towards her is never that of objectification or conditional love. He never withholds love or affection because she didn’t do what he wanted. He never shames or disparages her when she makes mistakes or misbehaves. Even when she disrespects and mistreats him he doesn’t get angry. And he does not exploit her vulnerability towards him.

If Silco is not controlling and manipulating Jinx for his own ideal, why then is she still "perfect" to him? And what does he mean when he says he "freed her?"

Jinx herself gives the best insight, with lines delivered to her older sister, Vi.

“Silco thinks that he made Jinx, with all his rants and hard won lessons....But he didn’t make Jinx. You did.”

When she was young, Jinx (then called Powder) adored and admired her older sister and was berated, especially by her brother Mylo, when she did not live up to her sister’s “excellence.”

For those who have seen the show, the obvious assumption here is that Vi “made” Jinx after Powder disobeyed Vi and, trying to help, accidentally killed their other siblings. Angry and heartbroken, Vi then lashed out at her sister:

Powder: “Why did you leave me!?”

Vi: “Because you’re a jinx! Do you hear me? Mylo was right!”

While this is likely why Powder chose to adopt/reclaim the name “Jinx” (and why Mylo is the main tormenting voice in her head), it isn’t the whole picture.

Vi and Silco are actually very similar characters, especially in the early episodes. Both of them hate the elitist classism of the city that controls their home. They both want independence, equality, respect, and a better life for themselves and those around them. And they are both willing to fight or hurt whoever who gets in their way of achieving it.

Vi’s beliefs influence Powder, who also wants to fight like her sister. When Silco adopts Powder (after Vi unintentionally abandons her and is proclaimed to be dead), he finds an eager pupil and a kindred spirit.

The most accurate analogy describing how Jinx was “made” is that Vi planted the seed and Silco watered it. I would add a little bit more to this and say Jinx blossomed into her own flower.

Silco feels he “made” Jinx the same way a gardener “makes” their garden – nourishment and care and opportunity, but the plants bear their own fruit. Silco sees the little girl he found sobbing in the rain, who threw herself at him because he was the first person she saw after losing everyone she knew and loved, and sees a survivor, a strong and fierce, if still problematic, young woman in her place, one that he taught and mentored. He admires her and is proud of her and wants his nation to be just like her.

Vi “made” Jinx by her influence as both a rival and role model and in the unbreakable attachment Jinx still feels for her:

“You never left, I always heard you. Shadows in the streets, prickles on the back of my neck. Your voice, pushing me, picking me up when all the colors were black... you're the reason I’m still alive."

Silco guides Jinx to be strong, and Jinx channels this by trying to be a capable fighter like her sister. Jinx works for Silco because she is eager to fight and help, just like she wanted to with her siblings. Silco says he “freed” Jinx because he tried to teach her to let go of the past that hurts her and gave her the space and encouragement to develop into who she was meant to be.

Jinx is “perfect” not because she is faultless or because she is Silco’s “creation.” Jinx is "perfect" in Silco's eyes because Jinx is who she chooses to be - a unique amalgamation of her own strengths and her attempt to be everything she admired about her sister, encouraged by Silco's teachings and guidance, to fulfill the dream that all three of them, at one point, shared.

But what would happen if Jinx chose to be something Silco didn’t like? What if she made a choice against him? Is Jinx only “perfect” and loved because Silco approves of who she is?

At the end of the show, after an intense standoff, with Vi trying to get Jinx to “wake up” and remember who she once was, and Silco trying to show Jinx that his feelings for her are genuine and that Vi only loves who Jinx used to be, Jinx shoots Silco, seeming to have “woken up” and chosen her sister over him.

That is not actually true, it is just a tragic accident. But in that moment, it appears Silco has, once again, been betrayed by the person he cares about the most.

Instead of reacting in despair or self-pity or lashing out at Jinx though, Silco instead consoles his distraught daughter, in his last moments telling her, “Don’t cry, you’re perfect.”

Silco doesn’t say “Jinx is perfect” like he has before. Doing so would appear to be an effort to influence her or express disapproval at her apparent choice. Choosing against him doesn’t matter, because it’s not about him - it’s about her. He loved and accepted who she chose to be, and he wants her to know that whoever she chooses to be from this moment on, he accepts that too. Whatever she chooses, she is perfect because it will be her, and her authentic self, faults and all, has always been perfect in his eyes. To him, she has never been or been defined by her mistakes.

Silco and Jinx are not evil people but they are not good, either. Silco’s love for Jinx often blinds him and does not redeem him of anything the viewer believes he’s guilty of. He is also to blame for much of Jinx’s bad behavior. Whether or not Silco’s last words were a good or bad thing to say to Jinx at this moment is debatable, and how Jinx fully embraces Silco’s legacy remains to be seen. But for someone like Jinx, who yearns for acceptance above all else, calling her "perfect" despite her flaws was without a doubt the most loving thing anyone could have said to her.